Harlan Wings

Desperate Times of Opportunity

Алексеевич: Do you remember Josh?

Percy: Um, yeah. The guy who was trying to weasel an exam out of you.

Алексеевич: Well, something happened last Friday that made me think of Desperate Housewives.

Harry: How so?

Алексеевич: I’ve always thought that they get out of problems way too easily. Whenever any of them has a problem, an unlikely opportunity is always waiting around the corner.

Anne: Oh, yeah. That happens a lot.

Percy: Hi, Anne.

Anne: Hi, Percy. What are you up to?

Percy: Not much. Alenko is reading to us another chapter from his autobiography which he promptly entitled: “Heartbreak is for the Hopeful: A guide to misguided love.”

Aeras: [laughs]

Алексеевич: That’s not what it’s called.

Percy: Then he started to sidetrack about some TV show.

Harry: You say that like you’ve never seen it.

Percy: I have not. I don’t wither my time with such otiose fancies.

Aeras: [perplexed] What?

Anne: So, Alex. What was your point about Desperate Housewives?

Алексеевич: What? Oh. Yeah. Um, that they always, um, solve their problems with the aid of unlikely opportunities.

Aeras: Such as?

Алексеевич: Well, this is from the most recent season—

Percy: Wait. I don’t want any spoilers. I might TIVO the re-runs.

Anne: Percy, shut up.

Percy: Yes, ma’am.

Алексеевич: This season’s new neighbor, Angie Bolen, finds herself being blackmailed by the local nurse. Angie is mixed up in some sort of problem with the federal police and the nurse found out all about it. She decided to blackmail her for sixty-four thousand dollars. Angie was uncertain how to deal with the problem and was even considering relocating. Conveniently, one episode later a small aircraft tugging an air message crashed onto Wisteria Lane and killed the nurse. Boom. Problem solved.

Aeras: I wonder why those things never happen in my community.

Percy: So what does this have to do with Joe?

Алексеевич: Josh. Well, remember when I told you that he might run up against a wall and find himself in need of my help?

Percy: Yes…

Harry: Oh, my God. You had sex, didn’t you?

Алексеевич: No! Thing is, this other guy whom I fancy—

Aeras: What’s up with that word today?

Алексеевич: —told me that he was planning to buy the exam which turned out to be the same exam Josh is going to take.

Aeras: What kind of school is this?

Алексеевич: It’s the one you work at!

Aeras: How is this guy getting the exam? Whom is he buying it from?

Harry: The real question is: How much?

Алексеевич: The point is that this guy asked me to check the exam to make sure he was getting the right answers. I might be able to pass them along to Josh and have him be endebted to me.

Anne: That was convenient!

Алексеевич: I know!

Percy: I’m sorry to burst your bubble here, but do you really think you’re going to be able to get something out of this guy? He sounds like an opportunistic double-crosser to me.

Harry: If television has taught us anything, is that these type of things tend to escalate.

Percy: Not necessarily for the better!

Aeras: I for one am willing to stay tuned. I sincerely hope you don’t blow this, Alenko. Nothing exciting has happened to you since high school.

Алексеевич: Gee, thanks.

Amusement

Harry: [sighs] Do you know what we should do?

Percy: [enthusiastically] [snaps fingers] Tell me! I’m open to new ideas.

[both laugh]

Harry: [exhales] Sometimes I love you so much.

The subtle art of drunk-wrangling

Percy: So, Colonel, whatever happened with that guy you were telling me about the other day?

Alekseyevich: Oh, my God. I got drunk the other day. The most drunk I have ever got.

Percy: Yeah, I noticed.

Aeras: Wait what? Alenko got drunk? When did this happen?

Алексеевич: Friday night.

Harry: Whom did you go with?

Алексеевич: I went with this guy from school. Last year he invited me to his birthday party, but I decided against it at the last minute. So I sort of owed him a night out. The other day he asked me out again and I decided to go this time.

Aeras: Is he…?

Алексеевич: No, he’s not. Well, at least I don’t think so. He keeps asking me about girls. If he was interested, he would’ve dropped the questions by now.

Aeras: Oh. It’s just that you said that he asked you out.

Алексеевич: Well, he did ask me out. He said ‘let’s go get a drink’.

Aeras: That’s not asking you out! Guys don’t ask other guys out!

Алексеевич: Oh, no? So what exactly was it that he did?

Aeras: Asking someone out implies a date. It implies a romantic interest.

Алексеевич: And how do you know he wasn’t romantically interested?

Aeras: You just said he wasn’t.

Алексеевич: I said I didn’t think he was, but he could’ve been for all I know. So maybe he was asking me out.

Percy: To the Wiktionary!

To invite someone, especially on a date.

Harry: Hmm. The definition seems to back Aeras.

Алексеевич: It says “especially”. That leaves room for other types of social engagements.

Harry: That is true.

Aeras: That’s only a way to avoid generalizing — a practice that is condemned among pseudo-intellectuals. They throw in a word like “especially” or “usually” and it makes their argument less prone to rebuttal.

Harry: He’s right.

Percy: Harry, STFU.

Алексеевич: Well, if he was asking me out, I ruined it.

Harry: How so?

Алексеевич: When we were on our way to the bar, I ran into this guy, Josh. Apparently, his house is literally next door to the bar.

Percy: That’s convenient.

Алексеевич: He wanted a lift, which I was more than happy to provide. On our way there, he started telling me how much trouble he’s been having with one of his classes and that he wanted me to ask Aeras to steal the exams.

Aeras: What?

Алексеевич: Then he started asking me if I was going to get drunk because if I was he’d come down to “talk” to me.

Aeras: Is this going to turn into an X-rated thing?

Алексеевич: So I ordered this drink which I have no idea what it was, but it was strong and I downed a couple of other drinks. I thought I would see the “drunkenness” coming, but I didn’t. It suddenly was there out of nowhere. People were sort of appearing and disappearing and I was dizzy and blurry-eyed. I even cried a little. Josh suddenly appeared wearing an orange sweater and we started talking. I may have been a little hands-on with him.

Aeras: Oh, boy.

Harry: Did he try to convince you to help him?

Алексеевич: Yes. He went on and on about how he needed help. Some other guy whom I also know showed up and Josh wanted me to help him as well. At some point, he acknowledged the fact that I liked him, but that he was never going to act on it.

Aeras: What did he say exactly?

Алексеевич: I’m not really sure. I thought I had a firm grasp on reality, but things are fuzzy now. Overall, he made it perfectly clear that he’s straight and that he can only offer me his friendship.

Percy: Aww.

Алексеевич: Shut up. I was inclined to try getting at least a kiss out of him, but I missed my chance. When the effect of alcohol had mostly subsided and I was ready to leave, I looked for him and asked him if we could have something “casual” at least but he refused. So I went home.

Harry: Did you at least have fun?

Алексеевич: I did. I worry that the whole experience might give me trouble later on, but I’m glad about what happened with Josh. It excites me to know that he knows and that we put it out in the open. Who knows? He might one day find himself up against a wall and decide that it’d be worth it to give it a shot.

Percy: Wait. This is not the guy I asked you about! The one you ran into outside school and whom you found yourself missing.

Алексеевич: Err… no. This one was more emergent. I’ll tell you about the other one soon enough. I promise.

Saboteur!

Aeras: Has it ever happened to you that on the days when you’re running late is when you tend to sabotage yourself?

Percy: Um… what?

Aeras: I don’t know if it was yesterday or the day before, but inexplicably I started running late for work. I was on the freeway and I sort of spaced out whilst driving. As you may know, I usually drive on the slow lane because my car doesn’t do more than 75 mph.

Harry: Isn’t that dangerous?

Percy: It’s probably illegal.

Aeras: Excuse me, but 45 mph is perfectly appropriate. I have bumped into drivers that are going way less than that.

Percy: Makes you wish you had one of those Batmobile bazookas attached to the sides of your car.

Harry: Don’t you usually shout at them that if they bought a skateboard they’d probably go faster?

Percy: It’s hard to shout things at people on the freeway. Works best when in the city.

Aeras: Anyway. Like I said, I was on the slow lane—

Percy: Right.

Aeras: —when suddenly I find myself driving down an off-ramp towards downtown.

Harry: Weren’t you going to school?

Aeras: Yes! I don’t understand how it happened. I had never ever in my life done something like that, and I had to start the day I was running late! Hasn’t something like this ever happened to you?

Percy: Sorry. I always pay attention where I’m going.

Harry: You do not! If anyone, I’m the one who’s the best driver here.

Percy: Signaling that you’re going to turn a left out of your driveway does not make you the best driver. Driving is a serious dog-eat-dog matter, OK? It requires knowing where your car is going to be at before it’s even there. It’s all about pre-mapping and mad reflexes.

Harry: Which I lack? Need I remind you that you’re the one who couldn’t shoot straight in Resident Evil 5?

Percy: What are you talking about? I so beat you at that. You’re just sore because you always end up designated-driving for some bunch of loser wannabes who don’t call you on your birthday.

Harry: I have never been a designated driver!

Percy: Oh, my God! Is that supposed to help your case? Not even your friends trust you behind the wheel! While they’re drunk!

Harry: That’s not—

Aeras: Excuse me! It’s not like I’m some reckless driver that doesn’t see where he’s going!

Percy: What? That’s exactly what happened!

Aeras: Well, yes, but it’s part of these self-sabotaging incidents that I’m trying to explain.

Percy: The ones when you’re running late?

Aeras: Yes. I mean, it’s always when you’re running late that you decide you absolutely have got to find that missing sweater in your bedroom or when you decide to try a new shortcut and you get completely lost.

Percy: Um… it just means you’re a bad driver.

The last meal

Percy: If it were your last meal, what would you have? Chinese or Italian?

Harry: Oh, my God. That’s hard. I guess it’d depend on the specific course they’d be serving.

Alekseyevich: [wistfully] I’d have lasagna..

To miss someone

Alekseyevich: Is it possible to miss someone who’s standing right there in front of you?

Percy: I don’t think so, but I guess so. Why do you ask?

Алексеевич: I ran into someone today. I hadn’t seen him in a very long time — can’t remember how long. We were sitting on a bench outside school, talking, and this wave of nostalgia —something like… forgotten love— swooshed over me.

Percy: And it all came back to you? The flesh and the fantasies?

Алексеевич: I had forgotten all about it — this hidden little love that I held for him. He told me about his plans to move to another country. He said he was getting a Spanish citizenship anytime soon; and suddenly I missed him. He was sitting right there next to me and I missed him, as if he hadn’t been real but a holographic message left long ago for someone to discover.

Suddenly, I wished he’d take me with him so that I would never have to miss him ever again.

Percy: That’s the thing about time. We all have it but we never really own it, do we?

Алексеевич: It’s too late now.

Percy: Maybe not. He may have plans for the future but that doesn’t mean he’s going to act on them. Hey may very well end up knocking a girl up and working at the local McDonald’s. You still have a year to make up for lost time, but time is ticking..

Saw: The Video Game

I finished playing Saw: The Video Game. I have to admit that I was pleasantly surprised.

Having read the advice of reviewers that you should pick up this game if you’re a fan of the films, I was expecting a rather crappy experience.

Percy: So what did you think?

Harry: Well, I enjoyed it. There was this general simplicity to every element of the game. From the music to the fighting system to the puzzles. Nothing seemed overly complicated.

Percy: What were the weakest elements of the game?

Harry:I would have to say the voice acting. They got ahold of Tobin Bell to do the part of Jigsaw and that was amazing. Tobin Bell has such a powerful highly recognizable voice. However, the rest of the voice acting was risible. There were these big moments in the game where you encountered the other main victims of The Jigsaw Killer and, as in the films, they were being held by these grisly death traps that you needed to free them of. While you were doing it, they would continually scream at you to hurry the f*ck up, but it was so badly acted that they never actually drove you to be empathetic. If any tension ever arose while trying to solve the puzzles was due to the pressure of time running out.

Another weak element was the fighting system. The playable character never responded the way you would have expected. It felt so stiff and mechanic. Eventually, I discovered the easiest way to deal with enemies was to let them swing a fist at me, which I avoided by stepping back, and quickly step in to do a heavy attack while they were still recovering from the swing.

Percy: What about the puzzles? Were they difficult?

Harry: Not really. They were pretty simple, but they were engaging enough, even if they were repetitive. One of them consisted in having to re-route the flow of electricity in a circuit box by turning around the direction of the wiring. The most bothersome puzzle was one where you had four concentric circles, each laid with different sets of pipes varying in size and direction. You had to twist around each circle so that one single pipe was created between all of them. It may sound easy, but it was quite tricky to get it right and whenever you had to solve one of these it was as a way of closing off a gas leak that was gradually taking your health away. In other words, it was a timed effort.

Percy: Sounds brutal.

Harry: Is that sarcasm?

Percy: Of course not. So what about trophies?

Harry: Platinum trophy guaranteed in one playthrough. The only tricky one to get was one called “Merciless” where you had to kill five enemies by stomping them to their deaths.

Percy: Oh, wow. Why was this difficult?

Harry: Because it required the enemy to fall to the ground so that a special command would appear on-screen. There didn’t seem to be any surefire way to make them fall to the ground and the game wasn’t exactly crawling with enemies. They were rather spread-out and you also had to worry about the other trophies which involved getting a kill with every different type of weapon available in the game. Thankfully, it was only five enemies you had to kill this way, so eventually I got it.

Percy: Are there any pointers you would like to give regarding this game?

Harry: Yeah. Don’t get rid of the lighter. There are three items in the game that allow you to light your way through the dark hallways of the asylum: a lighter, a camera and a flashlight. They all are dramatically different and the best one is the lighter, the one you start with. You may not be able to run with it and keep it alight, but it’s the one that’s got the biggest breadth of lighting.

Percy: Well, that’s all the time we’ve got for today. Thanks for reading and expect more random ramblings from Percy and Harry. До свидания!

Harry: Пока!