Harlan Wings

The subtle art of drunk-wrangling

Percy: So, Colonel, whatever happened with that guy you were telling me about the other day?

Alekseyevich: Oh, my God. I got drunk the other day. The most drunk I have ever got.

Percy: Yeah, I noticed.

Aeras: Wait what? Alenko got drunk? When did this happen?

Алексеевич: Friday night.

Harry: Whom did you go with?

Алексеевич: I went with this guy from school. Last year he invited me to his birthday party, but I decided against it at the last minute. So I sort of owed him a night out. The other day he asked me out again and I decided to go this time.

Aeras: Is he…?

Алексеевич: No, he’s not. Well, at least I don’t think so. He keeps asking me about girls. If he was interested, he would’ve dropped the questions by now.

Aeras: Oh. It’s just that you said that he asked you out.

Алексеевич: Well, he did ask me out. He said ‘let’s go get a drink’.

Aeras: That’s not asking you out! Guys don’t ask other guys out!

Алексеевич: Oh, no? So what exactly was it that he did?

Aeras: Asking someone out implies a date. It implies a romantic interest.

Алексеевич: And how do you know he wasn’t romantically interested?

Aeras: You just said he wasn’t.

Алексеевич: I said I didn’t think he was, but he could’ve been for all I know. So maybe he was asking me out.

Percy: To the Wiktionary!

To invite someone, especially on a date.

Harry: Hmm. The definition seems to back Aeras.

Алексеевич: It says “especially”. That leaves room for other types of social engagements.

Harry: That is true.

Aeras: That’s only a way to avoid generalizing — a practice that is condemned among pseudo-intellectuals. They throw in a word like “especially” or “usually” and it makes their argument less prone to rebuttal.

Harry: He’s right.

Percy: Harry, STFU.

Алексеевич: Well, if he was asking me out, I ruined it.

Harry: How so?

Алексеевич: When we were on our way to the bar, I ran into this guy, Josh. Apparently, his house is literally next door to the bar.

Percy: That’s convenient.

Алексеевич: He wanted a lift, which I was more than happy to provide. On our way there, he started telling me how much trouble he’s been having with one of his classes and that he wanted me to ask Aeras to steal the exams.

Aeras: What?

Алексеевич: Then he started asking me if I was going to get drunk because if I was he’d come down to “talk” to me.

Aeras: Is this going to turn into an X-rated thing?

Алексеевич: So I ordered this drink which I have no idea what it was, but it was strong and I downed a couple of other drinks. I thought I would see the “drunkenness” coming, but I didn’t. It suddenly was there out of nowhere. People were sort of appearing and disappearing and I was dizzy and blurry-eyed. I even cried a little. Josh suddenly appeared wearing an orange sweater and we started talking. I may have been a little hands-on with him.

Aeras: Oh, boy.

Harry: Did he try to convince you to help him?

Алексеевич: Yes. He went on and on about how he needed help. Some other guy whom I also know showed up and Josh wanted me to help him as well. At some point, he acknowledged the fact that I liked him, but that he was never going to act on it.

Aeras: What did he say exactly?

Алексеевич: I’m not really sure. I thought I had a firm grasp on reality, but things are fuzzy now. Overall, he made it perfectly clear that he’s straight and that he can only offer me his friendship.

Percy: Aww.

Алексеевич: Shut up. I was inclined to try getting at least a kiss out of him, but I missed my chance. When the effect of alcohol had mostly subsided and I was ready to leave, I looked for him and asked him if we could have something “casual” at least but he refused. So I went home.

Harry: Did you at least have fun?

Алексеевич: I did. I worry that the whole experience might give me trouble later on, but I’m glad about what happened with Josh. It excites me to know that he knows and that we put it out in the open. Who knows? He might one day find himself up against a wall and decide that it’d be worth it to give it a shot.

Percy: Wait. This is not the guy I asked you about! The one you ran into outside school and whom you found yourself missing.

Алексеевич: Err… no. This one was more emergent. I’ll tell you about the other one soon enough. I promise.